Haven't written here in a while. How dreadful!
Well, there's a lot that's been going on in my life this last while, so I will try to explain it. It's somewhat personal, but I'm going to share it anyway because I think we've all experienced a lot of this. I would like to offer hope and share what I have learned (and I also just need to get it out of my system).
I think the easiest way to describe this last month or so has been... swimming in a pit of black slime. I thought I was just 'going through a stage' or something and it would pass. I thought 'oh, I'm just having a bad day. Tomorrow will be better.' Or I would think that it's just me and I had to just work through it on my own. That may work to push it aside for a time, but when it gets to the point where I feel too smothered to read my Bible or spend time with God, then it's dangerous. That's what happened most and I think that was what was pulling me deeper into the slime; feeling so out of it that I couldn't even talk to God (which I had normally been able to do SO easily).
A few weeks ago it got to the point where I felt like I was drowning. One of the most weak point in my heart was attacked right to the core; the ever-present and most absurd thought of 'I don't have any friends'. Pout, pout. It's a complete lie, but certainly a weak point (and for a lot of people in this stage of life, needing identity and a sense of belonging) in me that the Enemy loves to attack. That was the last straw that got pulled, leading me to be desperate. Desperate enough to actually (brace yourself!) call out to God. It was more a cry of the heart than anything. I had no words to say other than; ‘God. I need… Your… Help.’ Then I just lay there, letting my tears speak for themselves.
I think I thought that if I would want to talk to Him, even just in a casual way, I would first have to confess my sins and disloyalty for not talking to Him sooner. I thought He would judge me. I thought He wouldn’t accept me like He did before.
Absolute lies.
In fact, He accepted me all the more… without judging me. He opened His arms and held me in His strong embrace.
After that, I was able to praise Him again. Then it felt like a thousand chains just fell off me. I could dance again. I found that the more I praised Him, the more free I became. And then I was able to read His word again but with a new perspective – one of joy.
(Ha, this is starting to sound SO unrealistic. But it’s true. It really is unreal!)
I believe that these dark times are attacks from Satan. There’s no denying it. The Unseen is just as real (if not more real) than the seen. So how can one defend oneself from such attacks? I think a big aspect is being in God’s presence all the time and praying night and day (like what Paul said). Satan has no power of God, so we should always be surrounded by Him. I experienced being in God’s presence often, but it’s never been continual (I think that’s something that one kind of has to train oneself to do). Those times have been when I have been praising Him, and thanking Him, and worshiping Him for His complete goodness. I have found that having a heart and attitude of gratitude, is not only my best defense against the Enemy’s attacks, but also a means of my having complete satisfaction and fulfillment. We are made to know and worship God. Our lives are not complete if we don’t, and will be running and searching for it (even if we don’t realize it) until we find it.
There will always be misery and bad things in the world, from natural disasters to times of depression, but if we focus on those bad things, we will only sink deeper. If we focus on God and His unwavering goodness, we can rise above those problems and actually be able to do something about them, perhaps! When we focus on the problems, it’s so easy to think ‘how can a good God let this happen??’ but if we focus on God’s perfect-ness (yup, a made up word there :P), then we realize how sad He actually is about our suffering and how He doesn’t like it. He won’t force Himself upon us, but wait for us to come to Him. That may seem very passive of Him, but it’s really quite the most gentlemanly thing to do.
I hope this didn’t seem too much like a sob story or a lecture or anything. It was meant to be an encouragement. I think honesty and vulnerability amongst the body of Christ is important, because then we are able to know and help each other at a deeper level.
God’s peace, joy, happiness be with you! :)